12/4/25 sometimes i feel like a HUUUUGE fucking failure that was destined to fall off. i used to draw characters i liked, i traced and used body poses sometimes, i only really improved because i was having fun. i used to not have many friends, which really gave me space to just do whatever the hell i wanted. now, i've noticed my art is better, but it won't improve any more, along with my music. i have friends but at what cost? what the hell kind of retard fumbles around trying their hardest to impress everyone? i now refuse to draw around my friends with the fear of being criticized, or the fear they won't like it. (which HAS happened before..) i find it hard to draw characters i want to, and i feel like any artist or musician who's better than me is just another thing to make me jealous. tutorials don't work. they never fucking do. i draw something good once and i'm never able to draw it again. same with music. everything is a competition for me. everything makes me jealous. my brain torments me, tells me i'm not good enough, i'll never be good enough, and i can't stop it. i'm told i only have potential when i fucking try. i've been told my art looks weird when i try. i always try. when will i just stop trying? i stayed up to draw something, i was so fucking proud man. did anyone like it?.. it's me, of course not. this voice, it tells me to keep going until i finally impress someone. anyone. but i'm tired of the same responses. i don't really get compliments on my art. it feels like every compliment i do get is somewhat backhanded or out of pity. maybe people only want to see me improve when they criticize me. but it gets so FUCKING tiring when the only thing i fucking hear is that it could be better. art has made me so stressed for no reason. but if there's one thing i can say that's bittersweet... maybe if i don't impress who i want to (i may never), i guess there are still people who do like my art. and that's so much better than no people.